Deconstruction at 1 Year

This week makes the one year anniversary of the official beginning of my deconstruction from Christianity.

I began journaling when I was seven years old. For over twenty years, I have enjoyed writing about my life. For twelve of those years, the majority of my journaling was done in the form of prayers. That method of praying allowed me to express my thoughts most clearly. It has also allowed me to go back and read prayers from the past.

As a Christian, I would read my old prayers, looking for ways god answered. Reading these same prayers as an atheist, I am actually sad at all the time I spent praying. I prayed regularly for those 12 years. My “prayer life” would be great for long stretches, and then horrible when I was in a “spiritual low.” But I would always come back, of course. I understood that there was no “relationship with Jesus” if there was no prayer.

On January 2, 2021, I prayed, “I want to be all in for You this year,” and “Help me to love You more. Help me to love Your Word more.” My first deconstruction journal entry came on March 3, 2021…two months after this prayer, and 1 year ago this week. What is unwritten is two months of silent wrestling and confusion.

What pushed me to finally write again on March 3? Honestly, I felt I was about to burst. I needed to express my thoughts somehow, and I turned to the method I had been comfortable with for so many years. Writing out one’s thoughts is therapeutic in many ways, and can help to bring clarity to some of the most confusing times of life.

Throughout this last year of deconstruction, writing has been one constant that has helped me so much.

In the first entry on March 3, 2021, I began with, “This feels important enough to journal. This is not a prayer… just a regular journal entry. I’m in a strange new place, that I think has been a long time coming. Let me first say… spiritually… I don’t know where I am. I don’t know what I believe.”

These were bold things for me to be saying. It truly took a lot for me to write this. But I am glad that I did. This journal became my go-to place to work through deconstruction. For a long time, it was the only place I could go.

I am able to read back through my journal entries through my first year of deconstruction and see growth. I am no longer looking for answered prayers. It is more personal than that. I am not trying to find god’s ways. I am trying to find myself. I am trying to be honest with myself.

My simple piece of advice for those in the deconstruction process: Write out your thoughts, if you can. It is a great way to better understand what you are thinking, and will one day be a helpful resource to look back on and see your growth.